I'm not sure what I should do you guys.
I want to be in this program. It has helped me so much; it's actually kind of amazing how far I've come since Janurary. This past week has been hell though. I feel like I've been treated so horribly and I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. In a way, it's sort of like they are asking me to leave without actually saying those words. Instead, they are pushing me away. I'm a job. A thing at the bottom of a to-do list. I've made a Pros and Cons of staying and all the reasons to stay outweigh the reasons to leave, but my mind is screaming at me to leave and my heart and body is telling me to stay. I'm not sure what part of me is stronger right now though. I'm still here and I will continue to drive myself here every morning even though the treatment team beleives that I don't want to be here. If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't wake up at 4 in the morning 7 days a week to drive the 45 miles from my house to the hospital. I wouldn't spend 50 dollars every 3 days for gas. I wouldn't sit in traffic for 2-3 hours both ways. If I didn't want to be here I WOULD NOT BE HERE. But it seems like no one wants me here anyway.

I'm done.
I quit.

From Thursday-Monday I gained five pounds.
I went from 100-105 in four days. I wasn't really surprised considering the lameo meal plan I'm on (3150 calories a day) and the fact that I literally looked pregnant that morning but the gain definitely knocked me up emotionally. I cried pretty much all day long. Nah scratch "pretty much." I DID cry all day long. Plus there is a really TERRIBLE vibe in the group right now which further enhanced my frustration, anxiety, and animosity towards the program, but mostly towards my own body.

This morning I woke up 30 minutes after I usually leave my house by (it's about an hour and a half+ drive from Huntington Beach to Los Angeles in traffic) so I started my day really pissed and anxious but the long drive gave me time to calm myself down and I felt really great walking into the program today. Within 15 minutes of my arrival though, one of the nurses pulled me aside to tell me that she was going to spot weigh me. It totally felt as if she had left hooked me with all her force. I got really upset because yesterday was a traumatic enough event for me. I did not want to get on a scale again. So I refused. Apparently refusing is not an option so I told her (and the other nurse) that I was leaving. You know what they did? They started laughing. LAUGHING. Where the fuck is laughing at an anorexic who is afraid of the scale acceptable? I'm so done with the program. The past four or five days have been horrible. I hate the good majority of the staff and the environment is completely toxic. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'll eat a normal meal plan at home. No problem. The diet they had me on was more triggering than the eating disorder itself. I would like to lose five pounds though so maybe I'll do the weight watchers diet that I was on when I was fat until I'm back down to 100. It's not the 85 pounds that I was eight weeks ago, and not satisfied with, but I really don't want to go back to my eating disorder. Last night my Mom told me that if I went back to it, I would destroy our family. I care too much about my parents and sister to do that to them. I wish I could do it to myself though. I don't know. Is there anything to live for even?

Hey you guys.
I have not updated in forever.
I rarely ever have a chance to get on the the computer now a days which is so odd considering how often I was on livejournal just a couple months ago.

So yes.
I'm in partial now.
I've been home for a little over a week and I'm doing really well.
I'm very much motivated to make this work and it's getting a little bit easier every day.
I'm still extremely ambivalent towards gaining weight but at the same time, especially in this moment right now, I have an overwhelming desire to just gain it RIGHT NOW. Blah. I really feel like a heifer, especially after dinner when all the meals are just hanging out in my stomach and I look pregnant. I took some awesome pictures of my stomach (that I'm both fascinated and disgusted by) but now I can't find my camera. Boo I took some pictures of my face too and I really like them. Yeah. I don't know. I'm unsure how often I will update from here on out but I've been going on my old journal account, that I may start updating soon again, sooo if you deleted me then you suck. Ergg I don't know.

Oi.
So I was readmitted.
I'll go into depth later; I should be home on Tuesday or Wednesday.
I guess I'm having a hypomanic episode.
I honestly just think I'm situationally happy but today I spoke with a doctor who confirmed that I do have Bipolar Disorder II. Yeah. Weird.

I am very positive and feel like I've made a huge turn around in my recovery.
I've made a conscious decision to not focus on my body and yeah I feel very satisfied and happy. Overjoyed. But then again, I guess I'm hypomanic? Er oh well. I'm going to continue to try and stay positive, stay in the moment, and make good choices that will aid me in recovery. I really do think I can do this.

Well I am officially home now.
I was discharged this morning and went to the partial program.

Yesterday during treatment planning the director of the program called me in and said a few different things to me but the one thing that stuck with me most was when he asked me if I was ready to recover now, or if I wanted to leave and come back when I was ready. It really wasn't as harsh as that sounds; it was a very educated, matter-of-fact statement that really shook me up. I was a nervous wreck after that. I felt hopeless, unsure. I started contemplating all the reasons that I was in treatment in the first place. I decided to blame my parents and felt like I was only following the program for them. I've caused a lot of problems for my family. During CogLog a patient and I had a written discussion and I couldn't get past how I thought that I could not do it and I thought I would relapse the minute I got home. I didn't feel ready to leave inpatient but I didn't feel ready to recover either. This morning I was still freaking out about what Dr. S said to me. And I was really scared to discharge from inpatient. The minute I joined partial though, I knew that this was the absolute right move for me. The whole vibe in partial is so much more positive. I don't feel the competitive atmosphere and people are not acting out on behaviors like they did in the inpatient program. A huge weight was lifted off my chest and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel tense or depressed or anxious. I actually felt content. Imagine that. ME-content. Who would have thought? Then in one of the groups we got in a discussion about body image that was totally based on negative thoughts and feelings. M, one of my good friends, looked absolutely distressed about the conversation and so I said something. Okay seriously, best move I've ever made. M made so many amazing points about how YEAH she feels uncomfortable, we all do, but WHO CARES? No one else will look at us and think "Oh my God what a fat dirty pig." I wish I could type word for word what she said. It was just so powerful and something about her words just clicked in my head. For the FIRST time in treatment I felt like OH MY GOODNESS I NEED TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. I need to make a conscious effort to wake up every morning and decide that I'm NOT going to focus on my body. If I can do that, then I can focus on making my life better, and eating disorder free. I can find a passion (not an obsession), or many passions, that I can pursue and enjoy. I can make friends. I can be happy. I can go back to college in the fall and seriously have a true college experience.
So yeah. I feel totally happy and free right now. I know it's not going to be easy to let go of the whole body thing. Oh heck no it won't be. But I'm really ready to try. I don't want to end up back inpatient. I want to make this successful. For the first time since I was first admitted I really feel like I need this; and that I can do it. I'm really happy.

My biggest fear about coming home was that I was going to binge. I was so terrified. But god. My meal plan is so high I feel I'm binging all day long anyway. My biggest urge right now is to restrict, which I cannot do. And yeah this is totally contradictory to what I was saying above, but I wish I could lower my meal plan a bit. I feel like every time I sit down to a meal I'm binging. And I get EXCITED for the meals. Too excited. It's really bothering me. Plus, since they raised my meal plan I'm gaining weight at rapid speed. When I came home tonight I unpacked (my stuff from San Francisco still hasn't been unpacked) and I was trying on all the jeans that used to just be so BAGGY on me. That wouldn't fit without a belt. Now I wear them and the curve of my butt fills the back. My thighs fit the legs and they look on me like any other normal person who wears jeans. I can't figure out if I'm bothered or if I'm on neutral grounds about it. Part of me really wants to care and another part doesn't want to care at all. Now I don't have "ANOREXIC" written on my forehead. I can't figure out if that is a good thing or bad. I exist in this dichotomy of thoughts and feelings. I think that the more I go to partial, with all these positive people, especially M and R, I'll make so much more progress than I was making inpatient. Yes. I'm excited to go tomorrow. I'm excited, and scared, to see what is ahead for me.

Yeah long entry because I left my journal in the partial program today. Opps.
This would be the end though.

I'm visiting the partial program today.
I hope it eases my fears and anxiety but I'm not ready for this. I wish they gave me more advance notice instead of throwing it on me so suddenly. But I guess that is how insurance works. At least one other girl is coming up with me; she's in the same situation and it helps that she is one of my best friends here. There are good people in partial. I should get excited. Instead, I needed a Klonopin. Shit. I wanted to leave. So why do I feel so insecure about doing so?

So insurance has pulled out.
I don't know exactly what is going to happen right now but I'm leaving on Thursday.

So much of me needs and wants recovery, but an equal part of me really does not want to let go of this eating disorder.
I've been here 24 days now and instead of making progress, I've regressed quite a bit.
For the first two weeks I was highly motivated to recover, to get my life back.
But then I realized that my eating disorder IS my life and I'm just giving it up for this fanatsy that life will be better even though logically I know that it will not.


I'm anxious as hell right now too (hence the 2:30 AM post).
Since I have been here my anxiety has been so high that I'm constantly shaking. So much that when I'm NOT shaking, it feels unnatural. I keep telling my doctor that I need something for my anxiety and she refuses to give me anything. I'm going to bitch and moan today when (if) she comes and visits me because last night I almost had another anxiety attack at the table.


So at the beginning of the week there were seven adults.
Now we're down to three.
One girl came and toured on Saturday and gah she is seriously the walking dead.
The head of admissions asked me to speak with her and when I walked in the mother of the girl was like "And how much do you weigh?" She also told another, very sickly patient that she looked healthy. And on top of that, the girl is so brain starved she said THE dumbest things I've ever heard come out of someones mouth. I felt so bad for her.
A male patient is coming on Wednesday.
I hope this group is as supportive of the last. If not, at least Tina and Rhiann are very supportive.
It's nice to have Rhiann around because she REALLY wants to gain weight. I love Tina, but I'm very concerned for her because we think SO much alike.

I miss Jill and Megan and Maricela and Jen. THOSE girls were truely amazing.

I got a calorie increase today and just after breakfast I am so incredibly uncomfortable.

I want to withdraw from everyone and from myself.
I want to hide and gain the weight I need to gain and then leave and lose the weight and more. I'm too fat to be here. If I can just go home and actually get skinny, then I'll come back and focus on recovery.

Yesterday I had a little slip up in the bathroom.
I told my therapist right away because I promised I would, but it's depressing me that when I purged I didn't feel the release it has always given me, but I felt guilt instead. I feel like I'm giving up too easily. I'm letting them win and make me fat, but I'm only allowing it because I've given myself the option to not make this hospitalization successful- to go home and starve myself to oblivion.

I'm quite depressed and suicidal right now. I sort of alluded it to my primary last night, and have been bringing it up rather frequently. I don't know why. I couldn't give you a single reason why I'm feeling this way, but I am. My first reaction to Heath Ledger's death- I wish I still had my stash of vicodin.

I miss all of you. I want to read your journals and I do sometimes, but it makes me even more depressed because while I'm getting fat, alot of you are getting scarily skinnier and skinnier.

My therapist made me do this.


My eating disorder protects me from:
-The chaotic, confusing, and disorderly situations that I often find myself trapped in.
-My irrational fears of others peoples judgement on me.
-The oh so terrible villain FAT.
-The regret of my past failures and the disress of my future failures.
-The overpowering need to suppress my emotion.

My eating disorder provides for me:
-An opportuity to deny my needs.
-A tedious activity to occupy my life.
-Faith in accomplishment and something to be good at.
-A promise of something to live for.
-A sense of personal satisfaction.

My eating disorder prevents me from:
-Progressing. I feel like I'm trapped in a glass box and I'm watching the world pass me by. My eating disorder has prevented me from progressing in life and I hate that. At the same time I really want to stay trapped in this box. I want to go back to school and starve myself into oblivion. Participating in society doesn't appeal to me; withdrawing into my own world of starvation does. It feels clean, organized, safe, sterile.



This morning we had a lot of floater staff because of the three day weekend and since they aren't ever on this unti breakfast was chaos. I almost had a panic attack at the table because there was no order and it freaked me out. I need order. I can't live without it. My anxiety is off the charts. BLAH.

How have you guys been?

Well I've officially been here for a week now.
It feels like I've been here for months.

I actually really like it here though. The adults are so supportive. It's a really great group of girls and there are more moments now where I feel like I can do this than can't but I'm still very anxious after meals and I'm struggling with comparing myself to others. I've learned that I really just need to focus on myself and my own recovery. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday when a girl from the adolscent program told me I looked like I was at my RT weight (I'm 15 pounds away from RT and 22 pounds away from target) but yeah all the adults really helped me to look past the words and consider the source (a 12 year old with anorexia who is struggling alot herself).

hmm what else.
I really have fallen in love with OT.
And there is a RT therapist I've fallen in love with. Actually, the staff here is absolutely AMAZING. I love this program.
My therpist is amazing.
I had my first family therapy this morning. It went well.
I'm adjusting to the meals and I've only had to be replaced twice. Go me!

Yeah sorry I'm so boring have nothing special to say. I feel like I've completely lost touch with my feelings and words. I'm a ball of anxiety when I'm not at OT (oh and speaking of anxiety- I was diagnosed with trichotillomania) and we sit around alot. haha. Yeah. We get in trouble if we stand too long. Sooo yeah. I guess when I feel more intouch with myself I'll update more but the only way I've been able to handle this is to completely detach myself from how I'm feeling which is the opposite of what they're teaching us in DBT. Opps.

I'm getting my laptop on Monday so I will update then.
I'm having the most difficult day so far. I was replaced with Ensure this morning for breakfast which sucked but ughhh.

I'm getting my laptop next week soI'll update you all but I'm having a really hard time.
Barely getting through meals.
I feel so fat.
I want to relapse as soon as I get out.
In fact, that's my plan.

I've created this journal to record my journey of recovery from Anorexia Nervosa at the UCLA Inpatient Program. I want to show the world that eating disorders are serious, that they are not about being "skinny" or "pretty" or fitting into a bathing suit for summer, that simply eating, or not purging after a meal will not fix the problems that lie within every individual, and that recovery is possible.


( How I came to be sitting here today, writing this entry. )